Needless to say, I tore this guy a couple new holes and sent him crying to the 0-2-why'd-I-waste-twenty-five-bucks bracket. I wrote it off to him being a new player or something. Hey, I was a scrub once, back when I thought Juzam Djinns were too scary because they pinged you every turn and Moxes were like lands, except

Okay, now there's some of you out there reading this thinking "Is he kidding me? Accursed Centaur is a great card!" Let me put this as gently as I can: You're a complete fucking tool at Magic, and I hope I play you in the finals of a PTQ someday. I shouldn't have to explain this, but I will anyway. To get the damned thing out there and swinging you have to give up another creature. That means it doesn't really matter if he costs just one mana - unless you're casting Ornithopters that means no turn one bear for you. (And if you are playing Ornithopters I can't help you, because you're so royally fucked the Prince of Fucking Egypt isn't blue blooded enough to come to your birthday party). So you have to wait until at least turn 2, and that's if you can put out some other one mana creature. Then you have to give up that first creature in order to keep your Accursed Centaur. You've invested two cards in this creature that won't come out before turn 2, and what are you left with? A fucking Grizzly Bear, that's what. I love swinging for two as much as the next guy, and more than most - I once told my girlfriend I couldn't come over and watch TV with her because I'd rather be swinging for two at Friday Night Magic (and yes she did leave me, the heartless bitch). But a 2/2 with no special abilities, not even some lame-ass ability like Protection from Kavu or Bands With Other Cards Stupid Scrubs Play With, it better not cost me very much. I won't pay more than two mana for a 2/2, and one of them better be colorless, and I sure as hell don't need to be using two cards to put a creature into play that gets taken down by a Glory Fucking Seeker. If Accursed Centaur was a 3/3 it'd still be bad; as a 2/2 it's a sick joke useful only in that it lets good players know who they should laugh and point at.

I think if I were running the DCI I'd have a new policy: anybody that plays Accursed Centaur in their Sealed Deck gets a game loss and has to have the word "BYE" written on their forehead in permanent ink. That way you'd know whether or not you needed to pay attention before you started playing. And we'd all know what matches would be the most fun to watch, because come on, what's more entertaining than watching two fuck-wits try and figure out how to win with a deck loaded up with Accursed Centaurs, Break Opens, and Defiant Elves?