Akroma, Busty Angel of Vengeance
                Man, I'd do Akroma in a fucking second. Possibly I'm just hard up. After all, it's been awhile since I've emptied my mana pool, if you know what I mean. (Wait, why am I talking in euphemisms here? Okay, it's been awhile since I got laid. That should clear things up for those of you whose eupho-meter is broken). So maybe I'm spending way too much time staring at the artist's rendition of an imaginary character's tits. But damn, what a rack! Check out the pictures below for a refresher. Exalted Angel, Pacifism, and the most boob-licious pic of all, Akroma Angel of the D Cup. My Limited rating took about a 200 point plunge for awhile there, because I kept drafting mono-White no matter what just so I could hopefully get some more Akroma pictures and stare at them every game. Some people might consider a first pick Dawning Purist to be pretty fucking weak, but not me. At least until I remembered that prostitution was legal in my state, and I paid a hooker fifty bucks to scream "Do me, Ixidor!" while I did her. The sad thing was she said it wasn't the weirdest Magic-related request she'd ever had. That honor went to some sick fuck that wanted to play Psychatog and the Princess. And the hooker was supposed to be the 'tog.

       
        Anyway, once I got my rocks off and got past the boner-inducing artwork of Akroma's cards I noticed there was some text underneath. And in a sign that I'm starting to care way too much about Magic I got more excited about that than about the massive amounts of cleavage Miss A was showing off. But really, all three of those cards are pretty fucking sweet. Pacifism is just too damned funny. One minute your opponent is all cocky because he's got out some kind of face shredding monster, the next thing he knows some chick with huge boobs has turned it into a Quaker. It's like if a guy was robbing a 7-11 and a model from Juggs magazine jumped out and stopped him. Which is pretty fucking realistic, when you think about it. If I'm holding up Binjoobi for a couple hundred bucks when some chick with huge knockers says "Hey, why don't you just play with me instead?" there's no way I don't drop the gun and bury my face in her melons. (And lest you think writing this stuff is easy, note how many different synonyms for tits I've used in this piece so far. I'm like a fucking thesaurus of porn here). And to further drive home the realism of Magic (because what could be more realistic than a couple of fat, greasy Magic players pretending to be wizards summoning up busty amazons and zombie dragons to kill each other?) think about what happens when Pacifism goes away. That fucking creature starts tearing off your face again, doesn't he? Which again is just what I'd do if that Juggs model vanished right when I was about to pour a quart of baby oil on her hooters. I'd be all about good old Binjoobi getting his Hindu ass back over to the cash register and emptying it out, and while he's back there get me a couple packs of smokes, too. I'll need something to do after I finish spanking my monkey to the memory of that Juggs babe bouncing up and down in front of me to try and get my mind off of violence.

Anyway, Pacifism is some good. But get this - Akroma is even better. Sure, she costs about fifty mana. But once she's out there she hits like a fucking freight train. She's a 6/6, she's got protection from the colors that most want to kill things, and she's got a bunch more powers I won't get into right now. Hell, just tell your opponent she's got some ability, like "Can't be targeted by clerics", and he'll probably believe you. Who the fuck is going to read all that text to find out, especially with that sweet cleavage shot right above it?

But as cool as Akroma is, the Exalted Angel is the best of the three. I feel pretty safe in saying this for three reasons. One, she's shown up in more Pro Tour decks than just about any White card since Swords to Plowshares. (For you newer players that's a card from way back that was so fucking good they couldn't print it now even if a nut case was holding a gun to Richard Garfield's head telling them to, and believe me I tried and all I got was his piss all over my shoes, the fucking coward). Two, she's got a great rack. Three, I doubt any of the five people that read this lame-ass site will care enough to argue with me, and if you do my mail reader has a handy Delete button. Anyway, Exalted Angel is fucking awesome, and if I have to tell you why you've got no idea how to play Magic.

After I wrote all the above I realized that technically Exalted Angel isn't Akroma, but is in fact just one of her little friends. I guess I could rewrite the above using some other card that actually does picture her, but (and I'm giving you a little insight into my true personality here) I'm just too fucking lazy to even consider that. So we'll call this a double rave, one for Akroma and one for any busty Angels R&D cares to put out.

       
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