| Elves Kick Ass and Take Names | ||||
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So Onslaught block is all about tribes. You've got all kinds of tribes,
ranging from good old goblins to stupid-ass birds. (And who's idea of a
fucking joke was it to make birds a tribe? The only time birds ever made
anything close to a tribe was when Alfred Hitchcock smeared some peanut butter
over a couple actors and let them battle it out with a couple hundred
pigeons. That was back in the good old days when you could kill a bunch
of animals every time you made a movie and didn't have fucking PETA jumping
down your throat). Anyway, there's lots of tribes in Onslaught. One of the
strongest ones, it turns out, is elves. I guess they were working out
while they were taking the whole damned Odyssey block off, because when
they showed up in Onslaught they were buffed up and ready to rumble. Even
the stupid little ones like Taunting Elf can fuck you up, what with his
ability to somehow distract any number of zombies, goblins, and sea
monsters into chasing after his candy ass while the rest of his buddies
play Richard Gere and the Gerbil with you, and you're playing the part of
both Gere and the gerbil, which means they basically shove you up your
own ass. So elves are pretty hard core in Onslaught.
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Before I go on, let me preface the following remarks by saying that I don't
think the whole practice of calling stuff you don't like "gay" is particularly
cool. How the fuck did "gay" become
synonymous with "weak"? I mean Alexander the Great was pretty damned gay,
and he conquered the whole fucking world. And the Spartans, there's another
bunch of gay guys that kicked all forms of ass. Hell, with the Spartans it was
hard to say which they loved more, having gay sex with each other or killing
everybody that wasn't a Spartan. They'd compromise by going on a three day
killing spree, then celebrating with a night of wild gay sex parties. So
when some fourteen-year-old punk calls me gay because I pulled a win out
of my ass I just smile and think of a bunch of Spartans caving in
his skull with an axe. Who's gay now, mother fucker? And how funny
is it that the people calling each other gay generally do so in a room
full of fat, unshowered, greasy males? Most Magic tournaments are like
fucking advertisements for why women should just become lesbians. I'll bet
if you showed a picture of any random Regionals to an actual
gay guy you could scare him straight.
That being said, in the past elves have been pretty much gay. I mean, okay, Llanowar Elves were decent, but pretty much every other elf looked like it would have fit right into a Smurf cartoon. And the Smurfs were really fucking gay. They were tooling along just fine with like zero women, then little Smurfette comes to town and what happens? Is there a Smurf battle royal as each of the guys tries to lay claim on the only piece of Smurf cooz they've ever seen? Does Smurfette pull a twenty Smurf train every night? No, they pretty much just go on about their fucking Smurf business, like it's no big deal that their only chance to get laid could get eaten by Gargamel's cat at any moment. Damn it, I just spent most of a paragraph talking about Smurfs, didn't I? I guess I just pretty much gave up any coolness points I had gained by starting a semi-obscene web site devoted to a game played mostly by fourteen-year-olds. Stupid fucking Smurfs. So we've established that Smurfs are gay, and elves used to be gay. And that sometimes gay guys carry swords and kill people, so maybe we should all look for a better way to insult people in case some Spartan overhears us denigrating his lifestyle. But elves are gay no longer, what with all the killing and maiming they're doing. Or maybe they're still gay, they've just gone Spartan on us. Beats me. All I know is I've drafted elves plenty of times and then usually proceeded to kick some ass. There's still a few leftover pansies, like the Defiant Elf. Holy fuck, it's a 1/1 with Trample! That's like giving a condom to your average Magic player - it'll never get used, so what's the fucking point? I guess maybe if Def gets gang blocked by like seven 0/0 creatures when his opponent is at 1 life you might be able to claim some kind of moral victory. Only it'll be somewhat tarnished by the fact that you don't know the fucking rules on what happens to a creature with zero Toughness, so all your tubby friends are going to be calling you gay the rest of the night anyway. If it helps, just pretend they're hailing you as the conquerer of the Helenistic world. Special bonus feature! Here's what some elves would be called if they were Smurfs:
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