Wild Mongrel
                Wild Mongrel. Now there's a sweet fucking card. Some morons say things like "It's the best bear ever printed!" That's an insult - the Mongrel eats bears for breakfast, digests them, then deposits a steaming pile of bear residue on your front door and runs away after ringing the bell. Actually, forget that - he'll ring the bell, and when you open the door he'll barge in, drink all your beer, and break every stick of furniture you own. Oh, and he'll screw your wife, too. Probably knock her up with his bastard dog-child.

I first got a glimpse of how good the Wild Mongrel was at the Odyssey pre-release. Some scrub had opened a Shadowmage Infiltrator, and was all happy about it as he won game after game one fucking point of damage at a time. God forbid he cast an Aven Windreader, or a Dirty Wererat, or even a Face of Fucking Fear. Nope, it was all about Johny Magic turning sideways. I seriously thought the idiot might deck himself before he got off 20 points of damage. Anyway, in round four he runs across some guy playing a bunch of Green, like pretty much everyone else that day since most rubes at a pre-release can't figure

       
        out what any of the new cards do unless they have numbers printed in the lower right corner. Only this guy has actually read the damn cards, so when Scrubby McScrub attacks with the Infiltrator the dude tosses out a Forest, turns his Mongrel Black, and has it tear Johny Magic's face off. Things were pretty much downhill for Scrubby at that point, what with his win condition being flushed down the toilet. He ended up winning the match and going 6-0 anyway, though, since the God of Total Scrubs Who Get Lucky Once Every Century was smiling on him something fierce. You don't see many quadruple mulligans, but this goober's opponents went down more often than a Presidential intern. I swear at one point his opponent had one land in play and no cards in his hand or graveyard, and this was like turn 2. I count myself lucky if don't have to mulligan more than a couple times in a tournament, but for this guy it was like there was a fucking Amendment to the Constitution that he always draw the best seven card hand possible while his opponent was lucky to see three land in his first nineteen draws.

Wild Mongrel solves problems you didn't even know you had. Example: Pretty much everyone knows that playing Blue/White in Type-II these days is a waste of your tournament entry fee. But there's one at every tournament, sitting there casting Life Burst, Wrath of God, and Absorb, under the mistaken impression that Millstone can actually win a game in today's environment. No big deal, unless you happen to be playing some stupid mono-Green deck that seemed like a really good idea at four in the morning, after staying up play testing one version of Psychatog after another before realizing that casting Upheaval and floating mana makes Baby Jesus cry. So you slap together a bunch of Squirrels, Elephants, and of course Wild Mongrel into a Green deck. You beat the hell out of Blue/White Millstone Moron in game 1, what with his inability to deal with Beast Attacks and all. Then in game 2 he sides in Teferi's Moat. What's that do again? Nothing much. Just tells all your creatures "Hey, Green dudes, why don't you take a chill pill and just sit there looking stupid?" Which of course they do, because they're a bunch of dumb assed elephants and beasts and squirrels, and there's no way they'll ever figure out how to build a fucking bridge and you were too fucking stupid to put anything like Creeping Mold in your deck because that would take away from the theme of "Bunches of Creatures with No Way To Get Around Teferi's Moat". Then you remember that the Mongrel can change colors, and at the same time give you something do do with all those Call of the Herd and Chatter of the Squirrel cards you've been holding. So you turn the Mongrel White (because it's so damned funny to kill somebody with a White creature right now, seing as how there's about as many White guys seing Type II play these days as there are White guys headlining the Def Comedy Jam world tour). Then you pitch three or four cards, cast a couple Giant Growths, and knock that Millstoning son of a bitch into next week. Unless he casts Rout as an Instant or something, in which case you probably just lose. But don't blame that on the Mongrel, since you're the useless tool that thought it'd be a good idea to strip naked and wander through the prison showers picking up bars of soap.

       
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