The ultimate in pointless wizard cards is, of course, Fugitive Wizard. He's a 1/1 creature that only costs one Blue mana. And his power is, get ready for this: flavor text. Look in that little box above his power and toughness all you want, you're not going

As bad as Fugitive Wizard is, though, he doesn't have any false impressions of how good he is. He sucks, and he knows it. You don't go 15th pick in draft that often without getting an idea that hey, maybe I'm a waste of cardboard. Some of the other wizards, though, have got no fucking clue. Merchant of Secrets is a prime example. The problem is some people are under the impression that anything that says "Draw a card" is worth playing, no matter how fucking lame the rest of what it's attached to is. So every now and then you'll see some poor scrub play a Merchant of Secrets, draw a card, and try to look all wise, like that wasn't a lame ass play. Here's a clue, for those scoring at home: instead of playing a terrible card and hoping it'll draw you into something good, play a good card instead. Cut out the middle man, in other words. Works when it comes to electronics, hookers, and Magic.

Meanwhile there's plenty of other lame wizards. Some of them are occasionally useful, in the same sense that every now and then any creature that can attack and block can win you games. Hell, I've been in games where a 1/1 for 3GGG would have won for me, but that doesn't mean I'm going to start main decking Terrible Fucking Green Creature in all my decks. But people play some of these wizards, from Rummaging Wizard to Aphetto Grifter, and when it actually helps them one game out of ten they consider it a confirmation that their card evaluation skills are just fine. The worst is when they play Supreme Inquisitor. So all you have to do is keep five fucking wizards in play, and this ferocious beat stick will let you win the game in three or four turns? Wow, that's fucking sick. I mean, all you have to do is make sure a bunch of candy ass 1/1 and 1/2 creatures don't get burned, Infested, folded, spindled, or mutilated, and never have to block any huge monsters that are trying to tear chunks out of your ass, and you'll be on the road to victory. At least he's not a Legend, so you can get two of them out at once. You put two Supreme Inquisitors out against me and I'll probably just concede right there. Who could possibly stand up against that kind of power?

So why do wizards suck so much? I'm sure you won't be surprised that I have a theory. I think that R&D secretly hates Magic players. Think about it: we constantly bitch and whine about the product they put out. One set we say is too broken, the next set we say isn't broken enough. We're always changing our minds, crying about counterspells being too good then threatening to quit playing Magic when they take Counterspell out of 8E. Now I think the Wizards of the Coast folks should have seen that coming. Look at their target audience - teenage boys and adults so fucking immature they think a good way to spend Friday night is diddling with cards that have pictures of goblins on them. This is pretty clearly a bunch of folks with severely fucked up priorities. So of course we're going to be schizophrenic whiners every time they change anything. It's what we do better than anything else. But I'm thinking R&D is beginning to really hate us, so they're using sucky Wizards to blow off some steam. They read a letter (actually an e-mail, since I doubt even one percent of Magic players could actually put together the entire set of skills needed to write a letter, address an envelope, and put it in the mail) about how they've ruined a game, which even if it were true probably doesn't warrant using 20 point font and all caps. It's not like they went and fucked up a whole religion or anything, it's just a damned game. But anyway, they read a letter like that, complete with photoshopped pictures of Mark Rosewater getting raped by monkeys or something, and the only way they can strike back is to make a card like Fugitive Wizard. I fully expect that the next set will contain a card called "Whiny Ass Punk" that costs 4UUU, is an 0/1 with no abilities, and has flavor text that insults several Magic players and their mothers by name.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go download some baboon pictures for my next e-mail to R&D.